Go back with me to November 1956,( My mother's passing)

Remember, I am only 16, bold print is what I recall when translating my diary

It is now November 17, 1956, a lot has happened.

Mother was taken to the Hospital on Tuesday November the 6th, she was in so much pain, I remember as they carried the stretcher down the stairs she was crying, that was so heart wrenching! She must have felt every bump and movement especially when they made the turn at the top of the stairs. They had to lift her over the balustrade and then make a sharp turn down the stairs, not much room to do that without hurting her.

In the hospital they actually placed her in a room with women who were talking and had visitors all the time. So Bertha told the staff in no uncertain terms that mother needed to be by herself. Finally they found a room and she was moved immediately. They had to give her a lot of morphine to keep her at least a bit more comfortable because of the pain she was in.

Friday November the 9th, Bertha and I went to the Hospital and Mother was having such pain and she was in so much anguish. She could not breath and was gasping for air, we felt so helpless to see her being so uncomfortable. We called the staff and before they could even do anything she passed away. It went rather quickly as if she was waiting for us to be there.

As Bertha and I stood by her bed Mother somehow pulled herself up, like she half sat up. Then she cried, Oh Lord, help me, help me, she fell down and she was gone, it was 3:45pm.)

In her pain she always had a witness in her heart, her favorite song was: The Lord is my Shepherd.

We had to walk over to the place were my brother Kees worked. Telephones were not available those days, so that made it somewhat difficult to get a hold of everybody, as you can imagine. In my diary I wrote that we eventually were all there, (but I do not recall that). May be we somehow were able to contact everybody to come over to the Hospital.

The funeral home prepared our parents bedroom for the casket to be placed there. For instance, they provided a black rug, curtains etc. and when flowers were delivered, they were placed there as well.

After she was finally brought home in the casket I remember Bertha and I watching and looking at Mother saying: “Look at her feet, she would walk and walk for us.” That was kind of sad and yet also very therapeutic. I also remember Mother looking so beautiful, almost like an Angel. It was so good to be able to walk into that room and look at her and whisper sweet words to her. I did sense that even though her body looked beautiful , Mother was NOT there. But to be able to go in and see her as we knew her and now at peace was a good way to say goodbye. Nevertheless, what a difficult time it must have been for my Dad.

Tuesday November 13, 1956 The day of the funeral

Pastor Weenink came to the house at 1:00, as we were to have an intimate service at our place, with only the family and extended, about 30 people. Before this service we had something to eat. Tante Alie helped me make Pea soup. I had never made that and it was actually not that difficult. We made sandwiches to go with it as well and a cup of fresh coffee. I was very thankful for her help. At 2:30 we left in eight beautiful limousine's to the cemetery. There were so many people that the chapel was filled to capacity.

It was a very emotional service; I find it difficult to write about it all. We sang a lot of songs. But there was also music special selected for Mother as we knew she would have wanted that, which were played by the organist of our church, such as:

-Largo, by Handel

-The Lord is my Shepherd

It was a very cloudy day. But as the organ played the above beautiful songs, the sun began to shine through the stained glass window right on the casket and it was as if the Lord personally came to take her, how beautiful and unforgettable that was!

My handwriting is very, messy here, because I almost cannot write about this, it is too hard and too emotional and very difficult! How do I communicate on paper how I feel. This has never happened to me before, so I have no experience. How do you explain how you feel when you loose a Mother? What is my life, our lives, Father’s life going to be like from here on? We saw this coming but it never really sank in, actually it still does not. Wow, God certainly did not prepare us, what is the meaning of this? What is a family without a mother? A mother is the backbone of a family, at least in ours she was!

People would just come to the house to talk with her. She also had very strong opinions. She seemed to have the answers for all of life's problems with such conviction!.. The pastor would come and talk and even discuss various problems he encountered.

While we were in the limousines on our way to the Funeral Home we acted all very giddy. When Mother was alive and she saw a funeral procession go by, she used to say: “There goes a person who does not need to get dressed and undressed anymore!” So I said:” Well Mom, you don’t need to get dressed and undressed anymore.” And we’d be laughing, strange isn’t it?

After the funeral things had to go back to normal and that it was not easy, I mean, the last couple of days people would drop in and we could talk about everything. But things became quiet in the house and than came the realization and everything around us reminded us of her.

One morning Bertha, Nico and I were in our parent’s bedroom.(By then the undertakers had removed all the things necessary for her wake). We saw her clothes hanging there, and we could smell her. All three of us began to cry, and then we held and hugged each other. What to do next, is this how our lives would be from now on? Then Bertha said: “Truus, I have an idea, (it was not often she came up with a good idea!), why don’t you go to the bakery and get us some pasty and I’ll make coffee. We have to get through this. Her being the oldest she felt a certain responsibility I suppose. So as I walked to the store I felt actually guilty, like we were celebrating, what would people think? But all we did was trying to put our lives back together again.

It is amazing that after all those years I still remember how it felt the loss of one so dear. How difficult it must have been for our Father, we were of so little comfort to him. We all tried to deal with it ourselves and that was hard enough. It seems there was no strength in us to give to him.

I remember talking with her after we found out that she had cancer. I said to her: “Mother what are we going to do without you? How will our lives be, we need you still!” You know what she told me, that I was a bit selfish, after all, where I am going, she told me, is far better! Yep, that is what she said. Even though, she seemed to be a magnet for outsiders, I did not have that connection with her. I don’t think she knew about my struggles as a 16 year old. But how could she, I don't even understand myself! Hahaha.

Now I should write a bit about school, yes I am going faithfully. I study very diligently

That boy Rob still bikes home with me every evening. I am getting a bit tired of him. I think he has it in for me. I notice that by the way he talks, and I do not all together appreciate it.

Mother warned me, that I couldn’t start relationships, because school is for learning. Was she ever young?

I have to go grocery shopping. If and when I have time I’ll write again!! I am so busy it's just insane. I almost have no time to think and........ I am so good at that!!

Here I am again, have not written in a week. May be I should not be writing anymore. The only reason I do it is for later so that I can have a bit of my youth on paper.

In case I forget what I was like, hahaha!